Questions...

No more meds! I stopped taking all medications Monday. I guess I was thinking that I would have Julia 10 minutes later...haha! I am quickly learning that this is totally going to happen on her time clock! Tim and I wonder if this is a good sign of things to come :)

While waiting I can't help but be overcome with thankfulness that God showed us mercy in this situation. He didn't have to do the things He has done. We were so worried that she was going to come early and here we are looking at 37 weeks on Friday! What a blessing!

I have learned a very valuable lesson in all of this. It is ok for us to go through a period of questioning God...even if it seems harsh or out of line. I have been reading about Naomi and Ruth. Naomi was so devastated after her husband and sons died that when she returned home she didn't even want to keep her name. She wanted a name that meant what she was feeling at that time. Her exact words were,

"Don't call me Naomi, call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full and came back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me?" Ruth 1: 20-21.

If we were all honest with ourselves we would say we have all been at a place in our lives where we felt exactly like she did. Another great example from another familiar person...David asked in Psalm 22, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken me." Or in our words today, "God, why are You not relieving this pain or answering my prayers?" That is DEFINITELY a familiar place for all of us...if we are honest with ourselves! There are so many examples in the Bible of people going through seasons of questioning. Jesus asked God for "this cup to be taken from me" right before He was going to be crucified.

So I guess my question today is, why aren't we honest with God more? Why do we feel like we have to hide what we are going through from Him? He wants us to talk to Him about those things too.

I have found out through this experience that we will have seasons of questioning...but there are also seasons of refreshing. The blessings we ask for are not always packaged like we think they should be. He has our best interest in mind.

Lord help me learn to know that it is ok for me to ask You questions. It doesn't mean that I don't love You or that You will be mad at me. You already know anyway! Thank You for being a God that allows us to come to You honestly. Thank You for the seasons of refreshing...and the seasons of questions.

Home Sweet Home!

We are so glad to be home. Meds and bed rest until Julia comes. We are thankful that she is still in the oven! :) God has been so good to us and we don't deserve any of it. How humbling!

Another thing that comes to mind when I am saying thanks is all of the prayers and cards and gifts we received while in Pensacola. We are so blessed! We felt loved before but it was, and still is, an overwhelming thought that all of you would place our situation in your lives and be a part of this with us. We have truly experienced first hand what being the hands and feet of Christ feels like. Rarely in life are we on this side of that picture. A note, call, package, card, or prayer...all things God used to lift us up and encourage us. Just wanted to let you all know how much we appreciate what you have done and are still doing! I can't wait to tell Julia about all of this!

So I guess home sweet home isn't just the house where we live, but it is also a place where all of the people are who mean the most to us.

Waiting for You...

Many long days
Many long nights
Waiting for you to come

Here in this place
So far from home
Knowing you're where you belong

Learning that joy comes with pain
You'll be my sunshine after this rain

I don't even know you and love you already
I've never seen you but I know you're beautiful
One day I'll hold you and tell you the story
Of how waiting for you strengthened my soul

Sometimes I ask
If You are there and
Do You even hear me

Then You reply
And I realize
Your silence helped me to see

Learning that You really care
Through this trial You've shown how much You care

This difficult path will help me grow stronger
Give me the strength to endure
I know at the end a sweet prize awaits me
So precious, tiny, and pure

I don't even know you and love you already
I've never seen you but I know you're beautiful
One day I'll hold you and tell you the story
Of how waiting for you strengthened my soul

Weeping Forward...

These past two days have definitely been the most challenging since we have been here. Today is day 12 in the hospital and we were beginning to feel like we were going in circles. Our doctors seemed to be in a power struggle over what was the best care for us and Julia. For the sake of transparency I should say that everyday in here has not been easy. Lately I have leaned more to the side of "the glass is half empty."

In times like these all of the "churchy" phrases go through my head..."Trials are for our good," "You are right where God wants you to be," "This is not taking God by surprise," etc. You know what I am talking about. Those things are so very true and so very encouraging but there are those days when you just don't want to hear them...hopefully my transparency isn't putting me out there by myself on this one :) I really do believe those things...I just had a moment of disregard for them. Ok...no more "Debbie Downer."

All of that brings me to the Bible study I have been doing. It is called "Ruth: Loss, Love, and Legacy" by Kelly Minter. If you are looking for study material then go get this! One of the days last week was called "Weeping Forward." She spoke of the journey that Ruth made away from what was familiar and comfortable for her. Her husband, brother-in-law, and father-in-law had all died and she was traveling with her mother-in-law...talk about being in despair!! She kept going forward in spite of what she was facing.

So...what lesson did I learn from all of this you might ask? Well, even though we don't have any clear answers on our current situation, we are in a place that is completely unfamiliar, and we are traveling down a path that is totally unknown...God is waiting for us at the end. He wants us to keep going...even if we are weeping while we walk forward. Not only is He waiting, He is walking this with us.

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it."-James 1: 2-5 (The Message)

Words of wisdom at breakfast...

Right now more than any other time in my life I feel like God is speaking directly to me. That doesn't happen a lot in my life. I spend most of my time wishing I could hear more from Him or that I must have missed what He was saying. I guess these times are needed so we can grow. Since we have been here I have heard and have seen Him in the strangest places. For instance, this morning on my breakfast tray there was an inspirational quote. They do this daily, but today it really stuck out in my mind. Hope you enjoy!

"I asked God for strength that I might achieve,
I was make weak that I might learn to humbly obey.

I asked for health that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy,
I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power that I might have the praise of men,
I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life,
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for -
but everything I had hoped for.

Almost despite myself, my unanswered prayers were answered.
I am, among all men, most richly blessed."

Constant access to sweet tea...

So while waiting I decided to make a list of things that I really didn't realize I liked having so much...here it goes. Oh, and this is in no particular order...

1. My bed
2. A kitchen
3. Constant access to sweet tea
4. The full use of both of my hands
5. An ice maker
6. Being able to drive a car
7. A full night's sleep without someone coming in my room...however, I must say that my nurses have been amazing!

8. Outside

9. 2 sinks in the bathroom

10. My front porch

11. A "no needle" environment :)

12. The washer and dryer (never thought I would say that)

13. California Kraze!!!

14. Did I say sleep yet?

15. The option to walk out of a room if I so choose

16. Hanging out with our friends

And here is a list of things that I have come to appreciate about this place...

1. Lots of time with my wonderful hubby!

2. People bringing my food to me

3. Constant access to good medication :)

4. Someone coming in everyday and cleaning my room

5. Lots of time to read

6. Pushing a button and whatever I need being brought to my room (kind of spoiled) :)

7. The tv remote being attached to my bed

8. A daily Frosty from Wendy's...which is located on the 1st floor of the hospital

9. Being able to rest

10. Having a good excuse to eat a whole bag of Summers' oatmeal chocolate chip cookies

11. Meeting new people

I once heard from a very wise person that "We all go through trying times. It is not the trial that is important. It is how we deal with the trial and what we focus on while we are walking through it." So with these two perspectives I realize it is the small things that make our lives special and meaningful. I am thanking God today for the small things...the things for which I normally do not say thanks...like constant access to sweet tea.

Stop praying...seriously?

So I was reading the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan today and came across these words. Just wanted to share them with you because they definitely got my attention...

"What if I said, "Stop praying"? What if I told you to stop talking at God for a while, but instead take a long, hard look at Him before you speak another word? Solomon warned us not to rush into God's presence with words. That's what fools do. And often, that's what we do.

We are a culture that relies on technology over community, a society in which spoken and written words are cheap, easy to come by, and excessive. Our culture says anything goes; fear of God is almost unheard of. We are slow to listen, quick to speak, and quick to become angry.

The wise man comes to God without saying a word and stands in awe of Him. It may seem a hopeless endeavor, to gaze at the invisible God. But Romans 1:20 tells us that through creation, we see His "invisible qualities" and "divine nature." "

There have been a lot of words, or prayers, offered to God on our behalf during these past few days. We have even flooded heaven with our own. I just want to make sure that in the process of my conversation with God I take the time to just stop praying and listen to Him. We are definitely in the middle of making a very important decision and need His wisdom. My true prayer is that we will stop praying just to be able to say we prayed a prayer and actually listen.

Sitting in a hospital room for a few days can really put things in perspective. It gives you a lot of time to think. I have seen God's hand working in our situation so strongly throughout this entire experience. So why not start at the beginning...

Tim and I have known from the beginning that the pregnancy was high risk due to some heart issues with the baby. My OBGYN, Dr. Torrence, referred me to an amazing doctor, Dr. William Dobak, out of Pensacola, FL. We have been going to see him just as much as my regular doctor and have become very fond of him and his nursing staff!

Throughout our visits to see him we continually got great news about Julia and the health of her heart. The last appointment we had with him was to be a release from seeing him and that would let us know she was no longer considered "high risk." At the end of the appointment they found two heart defects, VSD and an enlarged pulmonary artery. Ok...so what happened to being released that day?? And the questions began. "Why God?...I though You were taking care of her?" Little did we even know??!!

We were thrown into a whirlwind of the possibility of delivering in Pensacola and many other decisions that we really didn't think we would be making. We got great reports from the tests that they did on her. In spite of our insecurities, God showed us great mercy that He certainly didn't have to spill into our lives.

This brings us to the present. This past Wednesday night, July 21, I was outside on my front porch talking "babies and how they change your life" with two of my dearest friends around 10:00...and by 11:00 I started feeling some very strange pains in my back. After about two hours of that I woke Tim up and we went to the Emergency Room at Flowers. After several hours of monitoring and finally seeing the doctor Thursday morning we found out that we were on our way to Pensacola.

Tim and I got in the ambulance and sent Mom and Dad to get clothes...baby stuff...etc. They followed close behind and then the "fun" began! After being told that I was dilated 6 cm we were sure she was coming soon! I was given magnesium sulfate to stop the labor and after two days of that I finally slowed down a little. So Saturday morning I got to get off of the magnesium and turned into a normal person again...for which everyone was extremely thankful!

There have been so many little things that have shown us that God is truly taking care of us and our baby. Dr. Dobak came in Saturday and told us that it was rare for labor to stop after a woman was progressing that quickly. We knew that God was working to keep her inside just a little while longer for her lungs to grow stronger.

We were moved to a high risk pregnancy room Saturday after everything slowed down. So now we are just waiting to see what this little baby is going to do! She definitely has a mind of her own...and is letting us know she will come when she is ready...kind of reminds me of her daddy and her uncle :)